About Me, My Phobia & My Journey

The cupcakes I made for my Mum's birthday

I guess the best way to start these things is introduce myself; my name, age, where I'm from etc. The usual stuff.
My name is Dani, I'm 23 years old and I'm from Birmingham in the UK. I'm just about to finish a degree in English and Creative Writing at Birmingham City University, and I work as a bookseller at the weekends. I also run a book blog in my spare time, Pen to Paper, which I started back in September 2011. So obviously I like reading, that's definitely no secret to those who know me. Books, to me, are less of a hobby, and more of a lifestyle choice - most of what I do revolves around the literary world, including the career I'm aiming for.
As you may be able to tell from the picture, I also love to bake (mostly cakes), but this is not something I do as often as I'd like (my waistline, and the waistlines of my family and friends would not thank me!).
Another thing I love to do is write. I've written little stories since I was very young, and I find writing not only good fun, but also very therapeutic. It helps me think and understand things better than I would do if I didn't write them down. And that's really what this blog is about. I know it may help others who read it understand what I go through, and some may even be able to relate to my problems - these people may even end up confront their problems in a similar way that I am going to be doing now and in the future, which would be great! The idea of my writing helping others gives me a great sense of pride and achievement, and I hope that at least one person will get something like that out of this blog. But it also a way for me to vent; a way for me to write down how I'm feeling, and hopefully then be able to understand and express these feelings better.

As you may guess from the title of the blog, I have a phobia. The technical name for it is Ichthyophobia, taken from the Greek 'Ichthus', meaning 'fish', and 'phobus', meaning 'fear'. In short, I have a phobia of fish. This is something that I have suffered with for as long as I can remember, and something that, as I've gotten older, has only increased in intensity.
As I've said, I am now 22 years old, and I'm fed up with the feelings that this phobia produces in me. I'm fed up of not being able to do certain things, or eat certain things because of it. I'm fed up of feeling stupid or inadequate whenever I am confronted with my fear, and I am ready to tackle it head-on. I am ready to beat it into submission and finally conquer it.

Part of this I have already been working on. I know that without facing my fear, however infrequently that may be, I am never going to get over it, so with that in mind, I have tried to confront and overcome it on as many occasions as possible.
The first big step I took towards this, in my opinion, was a few years ago, when I went on holiday to Tenerife with my (then) boyfriend. I was eighteen years old, and it was the first time I'd gone away on holiday abroad without my parents, or a large group. We had the opportunity to go on a boat called the Freebird One, where we would spend several hours whale spotting.
I feel it may be best here to discuss a little more about my phobia. I am scared of fish, yes, but not of larger marine life, such as dolphins, whales, turtles, seals etc ... even sharks! And whale spotting was something I had always wanted to do. So we paid €50 and went on the trip.

Swimming experience from the Freebird One, Tenerife

It was a beautiful day, around 25 degrees, and not too windy, despite being out on the ocean, and we saw two different types of whale, and even a group of wild dolphins, which was an excellent bonus! Then after about three hours, the captain pulled us into a bay (which I will always remember the name of because it was such a spectacularly silly name for a bay - Spaghetti bay), and we were told we could now go swimming in the ocean for a while, or just sit on board and have drinks with the crew.
With the thought of conquering my fears in mind, and the support of my boyfriend of the time, I decided that I would go swimming. A big decision, as you can hopefully imagine.
There were two walkways either side of the boat, that lead down to some steps, or a diving board, from which you could access the ocean, and means of getting back onboard the boat. My boyfriend at the time jumped into the water first, so that when I was finally in the water, I would not be on my own (something I am still very grateful for). It took me a few moments, but finally the pressure of the queue building behind me, and the idea of the embarrassment of turning around, or becoming physically upset pushed me to take the final step, and I dove into the ocean.
It was the first time I had gone swimming in the sea, where I could not reach the seabed. The captain had told us that the water beneath us was about 30 feet deep, so I could not even see the bottom, much to my initial dismay. But I soon calmed down enough to start enjoying the experience, and although I didn't forget about what the water below me held, I didn't see any fish (or any other marine life, for that matter), and so the panic that I had been expecting to feel never arrived. I swam for about twenty minutes, before getting cold, and finally climbing back on board the boat, boyfriend in toe.

This is, quite obviously, an achievement that I am very proud of, and something that I mark as a significant milestone in my journey to overcoming my fear. However, experiences like this are not available to me every day, and so it's not a plausible way for me to overcome my phobia.

The beach in Lanzarote (with groynes)

I have swum in the ocean on one occasion since this, in 2011, when we went away again to Lanzarote. But this was considerably more difficult than in Tenerife, because we were swimming in off the beach, so it was a gradual thing, rather than literally jumping in at the deep end (which I have since likened to ripping a plaster off in one short, sharp burst), and the bay had been blocked off from the waves by groynes at the end of the beach, so larger fish were taking refuge in the shallows, from what was a very choppy sea (Lanzarote, for those who don't know, is a very windy island!).
This was a considerably more difficult experience for me, but one that I knew I had to go through, and overcome as much as I could. I knew that if I gave up, or didn't manage to swim out into the bay on my own (that is, without the support of anyone else), I would be upset, ashamed and severely disappointed in myself. I would feel as though I had failed. I did manage to swim out on my own, but it took a long time to summon up the courage, and it was something I had to do quickly, and without giving it much thought at all. That is not how I want to conquer my fear. I want to be able to do these things, fully aware of what is around me, and to be comfortable with that - even enjoy it. The experience I had on the beach that day was not comfortable or enjoyable.

Another way I have previously tried to conquer my fear is by eating fish. My phobia is so severe at times, that it now prevents me from eating any kind of seafood. When I was younger I used to eat fish, but things like fish fingers and breaded scampi (both of which I loved), but when I got older, I started to think about what I was eating, where it came from, and I realised what they both were. And from that point onwards, I have not been able to eat seafood (at least not without issue or upset). This is something that I particularly want to get over, and not least because I did enjoy these things when I was younger, but also because it causes me many problems in my adult life. My family, for instance, like eating certain kinds of seafood, and because of my phobia, they are prevented from doing so very often (something I feel ashamed of). It also prevents me from eating out in certain restaurants because too much of the menu is seafood, and there would not be anything that I'd be able to eat there (a particular problem when on holiday abroad). Then there is the issue of the fish counter in the supermarket, which I have trouble walking past - I will either avoid it entirely, or run past it (gaining bewildered looks from those around me).

I have tried on many occasions to push myself to overcome this particular area of my phobia. Again, in Tenerife, on the same holiday as my whale spotting, sea-swimming experience, I faced my fears and tried eating fish. I can't be entirely certain on what type of fish it was, but it was battered (something that helps me disconnect it with the animal), white fish, with a pretty mild flavour (by that I mean, not a strong, fishy taste), and I believe it was Hake (which I have just googled, and instantly regretted, thanks to google images). It took around 35 minutes to jump the mental hurdle that allowed me to finally put the food in my mouth, chew and swallow.
The instant it was in my mouth, I panicked, so the chewing and swallowing took place perhaps a little too quickly, and I will admit that I didn't really get the full flavour, but the point was that I had done it. I had eaten some fish. It was the beginning of my journey, and the start of the tiny steps I have taken to get to the point that I am at now.

Over the past year, I have begun talking to more people about my phobia. Obviously those closest to me already knew about it - my family, boyfriend of the time, and a couple of my closest friends were already in the know - but it was not a well-known piece of information about me. It was not something that I broadcast, and it definitely wasn't something that I was comfortable with talking about.
That had to change, I realised, in order to succeed in beating my fears.
I started discussing it with other people in my life - people that I'm not quite as close to. I told people at work, discussing the basic ins and outs of it, and what it means in my daily life. Though it gained a couple of chuckles here and there, my colleagues were supportive and seemed interested in what I was saying (I'm hoping this interest was genuine, and I was not, as usual, just talking their ears off).
I moved on from the people I worked with, to those that I go to University with. I told my closest university friends, and then I discussed it with others that I don't know so well. Again, most people came across as being supportive and understanding (despite not having a phobia of similar proportions themselves).
Then I started discussing my phobia with people online; people I spoke to on forums (the lovely people on the ReadItSwapIt forums being the most supportive), and others over facebook (mostly those who also had phobias and could relate to what I was going through, but also those who didn't have a phobia themselves, but wanted to better understand them).

That brings me to the here and now. I have considered writing a blog about my phobia and my battle to overcome it, for quite some time now, but only now have I gathered the courage to share my experiences and difficulties with the wider world. But I have reached a stage mentally, where I feel comfortable writing about this, and comfortable with the idea that people I don't know - possibly people from all over the world - might read this. They will know what, a couple of years ago, only a select few people knew about me.
As I said earlier, I hope that, through writing this, I will help myself to better understand how I think and feel about my phobia, what goes through my mind when confronted with it, and I'll be able to understand it in such a way that I can express this to somebody else in a way that they can understand.
I also hope, that through my writing, I may be able to let others, in a similar situation to myself, know that they are not alone in this, and that there may be a way for them to help themselves overcome their phobia, or at least make it manageable.
And for those who do not suffer with a phobia, and who therefore cannot fully relate to what sufferers go through, I hope to bring them a better understanding of how it feels to be in that position.

On this blog, I will be posting various posts about my phobia, how it affects my everyday life, or others areas of my life, but I will also be posting about my journey to overcoming my phobia, which is, as of today (Wednesday, April 17th 2013), will be taking a huge step forward.
Today was my first session of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (also known as CBT), so I will also be posting about this; how it works, and my experience of it through journal entries that I write each time I have a session with the therapist. I will publish journal entires that I write (as requested by my therapist), each time I am confronted with my phobia, outside of therapy sessions.

I hope this blog will not only help myself, as I battle my way through this tough journey, but also others who may not realise that they are not alone, and that this is something they can change for the better, no matter how hard that might seem.
As frightening as the beginning of this journey is, I'm looking forward to it. Bring it on!